Crack is Good
by Orin Drake
Summary: Cloud... and Reno... and Zack. Yes, it IS that insane. YAOI and weird humor, obviously.


"Crack is Good" and the general sexiness/wrongness of "Crack is Good" is completely copyright Orin Drake 2006. The ideas for this are blamed entirely upon Cosmotwitch for putting the idea of Cloud + Reno + Zack Crack into my head, and "Snap" (a.k.a. Orin's insane husband) for the initial challenge: "Write some yaoi about dropping the remote in front of a video game console." All characters contained within are owned (and sometimes "pwned") by Square-Enix. Not mine. I've tried and failed to make them mine. Believe me.  
Background: Could there ever possibly be a _good_ reason for this? It was... a challenge. In a lot of ways. Oh boy. Takes place at some AU point where Cloud is around 15 and he and Zack were still in training together... and Reno was hangin' around... like Reno would probably do. I'm not saying this makes sense. So don't pretend it does.

Crack is Good  
by Orin Drake

It was Saturday night. And everybody was out. _Everybody_.  
Except Cloud, of course. No one ever invited him out... not that he'd accept. He'd heard enough stories from Zack about what happened when everyone got together and got drunk--someone always wound up pantless in an alley in the morning. Strangely, that person never seemed to be Zack...  
No matter. At least everyone being out meant no one would bother him. Being alone was okay. He was used to it. And really, it wasn't so bad when one had a nice new video game console in the room, all to themselves.  
--Or so he'd thought, until he'd heard a knock at the door. Sure he could have ignored it...  
Actually, he _couldn't_ have. The knocking seemed to shift rather quickly into someone insanely slamming their whole body into the door... and only one person would pull something like that.   
"Reno!" Cloud shouted at the door. "Give it a rest!"  
Silence. The kid was fine with being acknowledged. Not that he wouldn't have gladly continued if the door hadn't opened when it did. He gave a chuckle when he gained a glance inside. "Nice jammies."  
The blond glared. "Well, no one was supposed to be here. I thought I could spend the evening in comfort, thanks." Yeah they were old and worn, but... he liked his moogle pajamas. He just... didn't usually like to show them off. "You wanted something?"  
"Yeah." Reno sloughed off the non-invitation. "I felt like wandering around. Got bored. And I know you've got games in there."  
"And what do I get out of it?" Cloud dared to ask, knowing it was never a decent exchange.  
"Dinner?" the redhead suggested, holding up the plate wrapped in foil that he'd been hiding.  
--Well. That was tempting, despite the fact that _inviting_ Reno _anywhere_ was always a bad idea. He stood aside and closed the door after boy and food were safely inside.  
Without waiting, the foil was torn off. Cloud peered over at... a plate of fries. Drenched in ketchup. "_That's_ your _dinner_?"  
Reno just grinned and shrugged. "You got something better, huh?"  
"Well... no..." Honestly, he hadn't even thought about food until then. Though, since it was mentioned... he was kinda hungry...   
"So." The redhead interrupted. "Where are your video games?"   
Cloud's eyes narrowed. "Still bored, huh?"  
"Yeah! And as a guest, I really should be entertained." It seemed rational enough.  
The blond just shook his head and went about what he'd been doing before his "guest" had arrived. Televisions were found in every room... but gaming systems weren't allowed. So, obviously, it had to be hidden under a mattress. Cloud went about pulling out the controllers and setting everything up, having learned from the best exactly what he needed to do to override the "security features" on the TV that weren't supposed to allow that sort of thing.  
Speaking of "the best"--there was an astoundingly familiar knock. _Another_ knock. Only that time, Reno had the gaul to answer it himself.  
"Hey!" Cloud protested, knowing it was useless. It just felt better. It wasn't as if he didn't know who was on the other side of the door, anyway.  
"Reno!" came the surprised yell from outside. "Hey Spike! You having a party and didn't invite me?"  
He shook his head and sighed at Zack. "I thought you were _both_ supposed to be _out_."  
His friend gave him a well-faked hurt expression. "What, don't want us here?"  
Cloud rolled his eyes. "I didn't expect you to be back until someone dragged you here. Literally. Too drunk to crawl."  
Zack perked up again when he saw the gaming console all set up and ready for bet-taking and competition. "Well, yeah. I was going to but there wasn't room in the car and... well, nevermind. One Saturday night with my best friend won't kill me!"  
"Gee. Thanks." Said friend mumbled, handing out the controllers and going through the games.  
"Oh." As usual, the wild-haired boy realized his mistake too late. "I didn't mean it that way! I like hangin' out with you, Spike!"  
"And what am I?" Reno called, lazily sprawled out on the floor in front of the TV, eating the fries slowly.  
"A real fun wanna-be Turk with _french fries_! Can I have some?" Zack nearly pounced on top of him for the food.   
"Geez, yes." The boy replied, pushing him away. "Just... relax, there."   
The oldest of the three (in physical age only) sat back with a pleased expression... and a couple of fries. "C'mon, Spike! We got gaming to do!"  
"I'm getting there." Cloud mumbled back, trying to get the TV on. It was a delicate process--of hitting the remote button several times in a row, hard enough to get it to work. Really, the best security feature on a Shin-Ra television set was the fact it didn't turn _on_ all that often. He moved back a bit... then further forward... then directly in front of the censor. He even shook the remote, several times, and pondered drop-kicking it for his own amusement.  
Oops. Dammit, dropped the remote. He thought nothing of it, really; he was clumsy like that. He bent over quickly to pick it back up.  
A number of things happened at that instant that he wasn't aware of. The look that the two boys behind him exchanged, for instance. The simultaneous dropping of controllers. The rise in heart rate. The _many_ conversations had about him before that moment.  
Zack did it. He broke... and took matters into his own hands. Literally.   
Cloud was so surprised that he couldn't even yelp. Two very warm hands had settled over his ass.  
All things became stillness. Totally unmoving. No one breathed, no one blinked. Even Reno was motionless and gaping.   
"...Zack..?" came a very timid voice from the blond, still bent over and reaching toward the remote.  
"...Yes..?" he tried very hard not to sound as surprised as he felt.  
Another long moment of silence stretched over the room before Cloud found his voice again. "Is there a reason you're grabbing my ass?"   
A good question, he had to admit. "Yes."  
At least the pause was shorter that time. "Could you tell me what that reason is? Please? Now?"  
Zack shrugged--but did not move his hands. "Because it... seemed like the right thing to do."  
Clearly, they were getting nowhere with conversation. Cloud glanced over his shoulder in Reno's direction to see if _he_ had a better explanation... but only found him watching on with a half amused, half fascinated expression on his face, eating french fries one at a time. Alright, no help there. He looked over his other shoulder at the boy groping him and tried to come up with an appropriate question. "Why would that _ever_ seem like the right thing to do?"  
Even with a mild and very foreign look of embarrassment playing over his face, Zack managed the hint of a grin. "I dunno. It just... seemed like a good opportunity."  
Finally, the blond stood up straight and shifted away from the touch... but had absolutely no idea of what to say or do next. He must have been blushing by then... and dammit but he was... confused. Really, utterly baffled by recent events. Or maybe in shock. Possibly all of the above and then some. Yeah, probably that last one.  
When the boy didn't speak or turn around, Zack actually became worried. "Uh, Spike..? Look, man... I..."   
"Pft." Reno made a scoffing sound, placing his plate of fries safely on the bunk next to him and wiping his hands on his pants. "Dude." He addressed Zack, cool as ever. "If he had a problem with it, I think he would have knocked your head off. Cloud's kinda quiet, but he's got that whole 'rage under the surface' thing going on."  
The other two boys marveled at the redhead's occasional lucidity. It was always... surprising. And usually pegged him as a bit more aware of what was going on than anyone actually liked him to be.   
Cloud blinked at the sudden realization that no one in the room seemed surprised by Zack's actions. --Not even himself. That was enough reason to remain silent.  
As if just realizing the same thing, Zack's blank face slowly changed into a rather... feral expression. It was a damn good thing his best friend wasn't looking just then; he'd probably have run off and never come back, dreams of SOLDIER be damned. Reno had a point, surprisingly enough. They gave each other a too-knowing look as the blond continued to blend into the television.  
Reno moved first, off the ground and pulling Cloud against his body in one fluid motion. Good thing the kid was too shocked to react; it would have made the redhead's next move a hell of a lot harder. Somehow he'd turned the blond and gotten him to kneel in front of him while kneeling himself, knees meeting--Cloud's wrists firmly in his grasp so he didn't get punched. The Turk-in-training pushed his luck to the limit when he transferred both potential weapons to one hand, tugging a controller away from the console with the other and looping the cord numerous times around the trapped boy's wrists.  
Cloud's eyes were absolutely enormous as he tried to comprehend the events that had lead up to being bound and pulled against Reno's body. Even more shocking were the low, smooth words purred directly behind him. "Give me one reason we shouldn't fuck you straight to paradise, Spike."  
He was pretty sure his heart stopped. Or exploded. _Something_ had to have ceased to exist in that moment, because nothing was the same. He fought to understand _anything_, trying to choose between catatonic numbness and actual comprehension. He wasn't ready! ...Was he..? No, of course not. Fantasies and what was actually happening were completely different things... weren't they..? The only response he found himself able to express was quite mechanical.   
"Lubrication!" He blushed immediately upon speaking the word--but he knew being aware of that much might save him from a situation he did not want to be in. "There's not even any lotion in the bathroom!" Not that he was _at all_ going to admit to _why_... especially not when the smirk he'd caught in Reno's eyes before he looked away told him that it wasn't a secret.  
For one tiny sliver of a moment, Zack seemed to see his point. Right up until his eyes lit up again with a brilliant idea. He motioned at Reno for the plate of fries... and ketchup.  
Unfortunately, Cloud saw--and somehow immediately knew what was being planned. He struggled, moaning with disbelief and embarrassment and... and just the sheer possibilities... "No, Zack! That's--no! Let _go_, Reno!"  
"Hey, we're training to be SOLDIERS, y'know." Zack grinned and moved closer, dipping and then showing off his ketchup-drenched fingers like they were weapons. "Gotta go with whatever you have on hand."  
"Besides," Reno threw in, "You're so fucking cute when you're scared, Cloud."  
"He's not supposed to be _scared_, asshole." Zack teased his friend--but with serious intention behind it. Of course... when he actually _looked_ at his best friend... _Oh, fuck._ "Cloud?" he tried, softly. "Is this okay, Cloud?"  
The blond was shaking. Just a little, but it was obvious. And he knew it was obvious, which made him shake more and blush and wish he could just crawl under the floor and die.  
"Hey..." Zack's voice softened even past what his friend was used to. Calm and gentle and... loving, in a way. He carefully lifted Cloud's head with two cautious fingers beneath his chin until their eyes met. "We'll stop now if you really don't want this. I'd never force you into anything. Okay?"  
He swallowed hard... still shaking, still blushing... but nodded. He trusted Zack, and whoever Zack trusted. And, really... he wasn't exactly opposed to little bits of safe experimentation. It had just been... so surprising. Strange and new and exciting, but... yes, a little scary. He knew his friend didn't intend to hurt him, but he was still nervous. That, and he didn't know Reno well enough to know exactly what his intentions were.  
"Here." The redhead spoke up as if he'd sensed he was being thought of. He released his hold on Cloud, uncoiling the controller cord from his wrists. "Feel better now?"  
Not really... but he sure as hell wasn't going to _say_ so. "I... uh..."  
"Great." Reno interrupted, looking strangely... hungry. "You can thank me by taking off your shirt. Whaddya say?"  
Cloud already had chills running over his spine. The request, oddly enough, made him feel... warmer. As did venturing a peripheral glance at Zack--fingers still coated with ketchup and a very interested look on his face. Well. He couldn't very well back out, could he... Slowly, he reached for the hem of his moogle night shirt, not daring to meet the redhead's admiring eyes as he pulled it over his head and let it fall to the side.   
Reno only nodded approval, not betraying his "exceptional cool" one bit. His hands could be surprisingly delicate when he wanted them to be; they tugged Cloud's pajama pants down and off of his hips with a distinct carefulness, tugging as much as he could reach from his angle and with the boy still kneeling in front of him--before Zack grabbed and pulled them the rest of the way off with his free hand, Cloud helpfully stepping out of each leg.  
The blonde shivered with the sudden chill--not to mention the thrill of the two fully-dressed boys watching with held breath. He was still nervous, still blushing... but he was so ready to do more.   
"C'mere." He heard the redhead whisper breathily--and he obeyed. Still kneeling, Reno spread his legs to pull Cloud's body fully against his own, both of them shivering at the feel of rough fabric against soft flesh.  
One of Reno's hands went to the back of the blond's head, running through his hair and finally grasping it lightly at the back. But the other hand slid further, trailing down his tailbone, reaching between the soft, pale globes... and holding them apart for the other boy.  
It was enough to make Cloud moan quite loudly. Just so... and it... and too... oh.  
"That's what you call Turk efficiency." Zack quipped, breathing hard at the sight.  
Reno winked. "Y'ain't seen nothin' yet."  
That was exactly what the wild-haired youth was hoping. He crawled forward, taking his sweet time as he ran the lightest touch of his lips over his best friend's shoulder. When that got a soft moan and some notable trembling, he continued his assault with teeth and tongue until even Reno had begun panting, watching closely as he continued to hold the boy on display.  
And glad Zack was for it. Just as he let his teeth nip a little harder at the blonde's shoulder blade, he very carefully began to press a ketchup-smothered finger against the entrance he sought. He heard the gasp, felt muscles bunch underneath him--softly, he kissed the shell of Cloud's ear to calm him. "Relax, Spike. I promise, it'll feel good in a minute."  
He hadn't wanted to say it... wasn't even sure he'd wanted to _think_ it, but... it already felt good. Too good. Much better than when he did it himself... yet another admission he was painfully unwilling to share.  
But Reno knew. The bastard knew everything. "Bet you prefer it this way, eh Cloud?" he whispered in the boy's other ear. "Zack's a fucking miracle worker with those fingers, ain't he?"  
Lightly circling his single finger inside of the gasping blond, Zack gave a bright grin. "You make me sound like a slut."   
"You are a slut." Reno teased--his voice gravelly and still breathing softly into Cloud's ear very much on purpose.  
Zack _definitely_ felt the muscles clench at that--but not in a negative way. Certainly not after that elongated moan he'd torn free by finding _just_ the right spot inside...  
Oh, there it was again. Cloud hadn't even known he was the one making the noises until the mild pain of the second finger being worked into him knocked him out of his complete revelry. He knew he was gasping, couldn't help rocking into the boy on front of him--  
Reno's moans were something else entirely. Cloud's were absolutely delicious, no doubt, but Reno's... it was the voice of a filthy angel. "Dammit, Cloud... mmm... oh, harder..."   
"_You_ aren't supposed to cum first." Zack teased, pressing that _glorious_ spot inside of the blond again. Having the two of them moan at once was almost enough to get _him_ to finish way too early. Not that he wouldn't have been ready to go again in seconds if they kept making those sounds.  
"One more..." Cloud heard Zack's warning in his ear before a third finger started to edge inside. _That_ had started to hurt--he'd never tried anything... that big... but the lips and teeth and tongue returning to his shoulders and neck made it a hell of a lot easier to take.  
Finally satisfied that his friend was properly stretched, the fingers were very slowly removed. Zack wasted absolutely no time pulling his own clothing off, pressing his full naked body against Cloud's without warning.  
That got some wonderful sounds out of the blond as his eyes fluttered shut, leaning back and allowing Reno the freedom to be the last to strip. "Watch." Cloud heard his friend order, finding it hard to obey--but once his eyes were open, he understood.   
Maybe it wasn't technically a strip tease... but Reno absolutely knew what he was doing. Not an ounce of shame; he pulled both shirt and jacket off at once, then spent some time exploring his own perfect, pale chest with adept fingers. The button of his fly was next, zipper sliding down far too slowly before he took himself in hand and moaned with a couple of careful strokes. He met the eyes of his audience with a knowing smirk before he finally rid himself of everything, collapsing gracefully back into a kneel in front of his latest conquest.  
"Actually..." Zack rasped, closing his eyes and doing everything in his power to control himself. "Why don't we switch. I want to see his face when he comes."  
Cloud shivered and bit his lip so the moan wouldn't turn into a squeak. The thought of... and... oh...  
The other two shifted, changing places. First contact came when Reno's hands rested on Cloud's hips with no hint of uncertainty--but he went no further. He could wait if he had to.  
Zack chuckled quietly at the blond's expression: mouth open, eyes closed, absolutely wanton. "Are you ready, Cloud?"   
He swallowed, somehow gaining the courage to open his eyes--met only with a pleasant, understanding smile in the eyes of his best friend. "Yes." Pure honesty.  
Reno didn't wait. It wasn't that he was rough, simply unyielding; he positioned himself against Cloud's entrance. It was a tease while he waited for Zack to pass him the plate of fries, the concept finally making him laugh even as he smoothed ketchup all over his length. "Man. I hope all SOLDIERS are this creative."  
Zack grinned before taking a moment to distract the blond... and himself. He hadn't planned for that deep, breath-stealing kiss--but damn was he glad to indulge. He was even surprised (and gratefully so) when Cloud returned the kiss only seconds later. It distracted them both right up until the loud gasp that erupted when the head of Reno's erection managed to push just inside.  
"Easy, Spike..." Zack whispered against the other boy's lips, not willing to let go so soon. "Just relax." He continued the kiss as if it had never been interrupted, making it impossibly _more_ distracting by lightly letting his tongue play over Cloud's lips... then pressing between them, seeking entrance into the mouth he'd been dreaming about for too long.  
Taking advantage of the sudden kiss-caused limpness in nearly the blond's entire body, Reno rocked forward slowly but unrelenting. He was as careful as his libido let him be, but refused to stop until he was entirely settled within the tight heat. It would be murder, he knew that... but he had to stay still and let the kid adjust. "'Kay... Zack..."  
He took his cue, almost not hearing the redhead over the rush of his own blood as he ravaged those incredibly soft lips... He almost hated to end the kiss. But then... there was a good reason to do so. He took a moment to catch his breath before asking, "Y'ever done this before?"  
"N-no..." Cloud answered, voice rough with anticipation. Even the nervousness was bleeding away, arousal taking over entirely. Any pain that Reno may have caused was forgotten as soon as it had registered. Slowly, he let himself be positioned on his hands and knees--coming face to face with Zack's rather obvious need. He didn't even wait to be told what to do, immediately running a tongue from root to tip--then back.  
The unexpected pleasure almost made his legs collapse beneath him entirely. The sounds he made in that moment of surprise and bliss rivaled the other two, making them both shiver. "Oh, Holy... Cloud..."  
The blond allowed a quick, satisfied smile before attacking in full. His lips parted, teeth cautiously keeping their distance as he wrapped his mouth around Zack and delicately tasted him. Well, alright, it wasn't... terribly _pleasant_, per se... but he didn't really care. It felt _good_ to make him moan like that, and it felt _good_ to have his friend's fingers thread through his hair, not to control but to find a place to hang on for the ride.  
It was all Reno could take, frankly. He pulled back in a slow arc, having at least the presence of mind to look around for Cloud's sweet spot before cautiously pushing back in. He didn't want Zack to experience teeth, of course... but he just couldn't wait any longer.   
Lucky for Zack, Cloud understood. Even with the odd, tingling pleasure-pain, he was able to control himself, using his tongue to stroke hard as he sucked. The sounds his friend emitted only made him bolder, reaching one hand up to slowly explore a leg, then a thigh.  
"Oh, fuck..." Zack nearly whimpered. He'd expected the blond to be a lot more timid. Not that he could find any portion of himself complaining.  
Reno had similar thoughts... or would have, if he'd been capable of thought at all at that point. Even through the slow motions, not yet having been quite able to ignore his own needs long enough to get to Cloud's, it was... so good... "Mmm... oooohh... you should... get a piece of this, Zack..."  
He smiled at Reno appreciatively. "Hey, I'm happy here. Cloud looks happy here." He chuckled through a sharp hiss as his best friend moaned hard around his length--seemed Reno had found the proper spot after all. "You give better handjobs, anyway."  
The boy between them would have loved to demand proof of that by having them compete... but his mouth was a little full. That, and Reno's hand had snaked around to prove it.  
Time was lost. Cloud was lost, as well--but pleasantly so. He was learning technique he'd only read about, trying things he never thought he'd dare and getting noises out of his friend that he was relatively certain most of his female partners never would have managed. Maybe it was a matter of pride... or maybe it was the occasional mumble on Zack's part that seemed to be part of a mental conversation with himself about how he should quit the women entirely. Reno said not a word, but kept making those incredible _sounds_ as he slowly built speed, stroking the boy beneath him in time. The first orgasm for the night was, for all of them, transcendent. Not that the second or third were anything to scoff at.

Sephiroth had been walking the halls in quite a mood early on Sunday morning. It was the weekend, so naturally nobody was there.  
Nobody but _him_. Having to deal with stupid, mundane things like phone calls regarding noises. No one that _he_ had called about the matter had responded. So it was up to him. Clearly. _Someone_ would die on Monday morning.   
He used his key card on the door mentioned in each and every complaint. Within seconds his security override took effect and it opened--  
It wasn't the three unconscious, naked boys sprawled on the floor that bothered him in the least. Or the fact there was a gaming system, against regulation, hidden in the room. It was the mess they'd left in their wake.  
Ketchup. Everywhere.

* * *

As if I weren't going to Hell _before_ I wrote this... Wow. I never thought I was capable of something like this. And I bet you didn't either.  
If you'd like to be e-mailed when I update, drop me a line with whatever story/stories/website you'd like me to inform you of. 


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